On Adult Friendship

My thoughts and experience with adult friendship, loss, and finding your people

We’ve all had friendships fade, and maybe it’s just me, but in my late 30s, I thought I knew who my people were. But we lost some of our closest friends when my daughter went through cancer treatment from 2020 - 2022.

This is, as I’ve learned, very common.

Part of me can empathize with how hard it would have been to be my friend during treatment. I had nothing to give anyone beyond caring for my girls. I was terrified of covid, and pretty judgmental when people weren’t careful. Everyone felt like a direct threat to my daughter and her health. I was in survival mode and highly anxious for an extended period of time. Treatment was hard enough, but add in the stress of a company sale and dissolving of a partnership, new baby, and global pandemic. I wasn’t ok.

Some people really surprised me. They stood by me when they didn’t know how and when it felt messy and complicated. And others surprised me by erasing us from their lives.

We had 3 couples that we were really close with, and all 3 were out of our lives by the time she finished treatment. Not even a text to say they were happy for us when she rang the bell. And they definitely knew. These were some of our closest friends that we saw almost weekly.

But this is about where I am now and not what was done in the past. Because I wasn’t able to think about where I was at friend-wise until recently. And it’s not a terrible place that I’m in, but it feels a little off.

First, I have my people. That matters. They’re just not close by or our schedules are really complicated, so they are harder to see in-person. There’s one I hardly ever see but talk to almost daily, another I talk with a few times a week, and a few others I check in with every week or so.

We moved to a new town the month our daughter finished treatment. There are new(er) friends I really like but see every few months, but I am just realizing, and probably because it’s so cold, that I miss having our group. Something easy and light – quick playdates, pizza nights with the kids, etc. We had it, and I think now that I am in a better place, I’m realizing that it’s missing if that makes sense.

There was a lot of adjusting after our move. The end of treatment, living again, preschool, pregnancy and a new baby…

So what am I doing about it? Well first, if I’ve learned anything in my 41 years, it’s that these things cannot be forced. But I can put myself out there, which I didn’t do a ton of the last year. I reached out to a few moms I know to make plans, so I have some lunches, coffees, and playdates scheduled. That will help.

And I always put time into the stronger friendships I do have, so lots of talking to my friends who aren’t close by. That connection matters.

I doubt this is very helpful in terms of actionable steps, or maybe it is. Reach out to someone you like and ask if they’d like to get together. I know it’s not always easy, but you can do it.

I know others are going through this. It’s a very common place to be, and I wanted to normalize the shifting of friendships, and figuring out who your people are as you get older.

I’d love to hear from you! Have you struggled with adult friendships?