If the holidays feel hard

Honest thoughts on spending another holiday season without parents

It’s been 10 years since I’ve spent the holidays with my parents. Or I should say that it’s been 10 years since I’ve spent the holidays with my mom, 4.5 years since I last saw her, and over 2 years since we’ve spoken. And I haven’t been in touch with my dad in almost 25 years.

I no longer hold shame in saying that, but it feels like a lot when I write it out like that. The holidays used to be really difficult for me. I found a way to make them my own – I still got a tree, celebrated with friends, watched movies, and hoped that someday, I’d have a family.

I went from finding places to go for the holidays to spending them with my husband and children. And his (our) family. I know how lucky I am to have my family, and to have us all healthy and at home.

And at the same time, it feels sad that I don’t have my own parents to gather with. I have my sisters but they don’t live close by, and my middle sister has already visited us 3x this year. Holiday travel is hard. It’s complicated.

I’ve been feeling the depths of some abandonment issues after something came up recently. A few things magnified the grief this holiday season so I want to talk about that and what I’m doing to get through it. And of course, gratitude.

Here we go.