Are Parents Miserable?

Chappell Roan thinks parents are miserable. I don’t think she’s wrong.

Chappell Roan thinks being a parent looks miserable.

I don’t think she’s wrong. Do you?

Look at what parents are going through. Look at how our country values women and children. The lack of postpartum leave, cost of childcare, the load of parenthood that falls on women, the cost of groceries and basic necessities, healthcare, (lack of) gun control, and everything else that’s not ok.

We are not ok.

There’s so much pressure to be present and engaged, to get our kids in every class and activity, and to put them above absolutely everything always, so there’s no room to care for ourselves.

When you put it that way, of course 27 year-old Chappell Roan said “all of my friends who have kids are in hell.”

Do I feel like I’m in hell? No. But is being a parent draining? Hard? Do I sometimes feel like I might break? Yes.

My first was a terrible sleeper and there were times that felt pretty hellish, but it was a phase. She’s a dream now. My second and third slept through the night so young, and it all felt easier with the third. But then I also had three kids.

My daughter was what gave me the light in my eyes when she went through years of cancer treatment. My eyes have never lit up at anything the way they light up at my children.

Just last week, I saw something about the goal being to not need a break from your kids. Messages like that are why I think parents are miserable. Breaks are necessary. We can love our kids more than anything and feel completely overwhelmed and tapped out at the same time.

What I think matters most is a deeper look at how we’re doing. Are we happy? Do we feel like we’re able to care for ourselves at all? Or are we so deeply stressed, lost, or broken to the point that we fight back on those words because we don’t know how to fix it, and don’t want to admit that we’re not happy?

Even on the most exhausting days, nothing makes me happier than when Jack comes running into my arms, Kate gives me one of her “squeeze” hugs, or Margot dances her way into the family room dressed like a mermaid and says “Is it spring yet? I’m blooming with excitement!”

I think so much of it is about how we are expected to engage with our kids. Sit on the floor and play pretend. Go to toddler classes. Daily after school classes. Love every moment.

Nope.

I am happiest when I do things that I enjoy with my kids. Things that light us both up. Does that make me selfish? Some might say yes, and to them, I say, you do you.

I love writing notes in my girls’ lunch boxes. We love making things out of clay, coloring and drawing, playing card games and board games, building and creating cities, going on adventures, and reading books. They have friends to play pretend with. There are so many other things we can do together that don’t drain me. So I’m not going to the baby class, but I will take my kids to the Museum of Ice Cream and the aquarium. I’m not playing dollhouse, but I’ll go for a nature walk and be the first to book an annual trip to Disneyland.

I have nothing against Chappell Roan. Her experience is that her friends seem stressed, and she doesn’t think that’s for her. It might look like a hellish experience to her and that’s ok. Some part of it aren’t fun. Being a parent is really hard, and it’s so hands-on when your kids are little. Diapers, meals, naps, and toys scattered everywhere—it’s just messy. I am always cleaning up, and don’t always get as many breaks as I’d like. But I also know they’re coming, and I’ve found a way to enjoy where we are.

I’ll also admit the thing I probably shouldn’t.

photo by Katie Kett